for my followers who are werewolves
for my followers who are dating werewolves
to all my followers that want to avoid werewolves
for all my followers who want to become werewolves
for all my followers who hunt werewolves
For Remus Lupin
Today has been my first really bad day since I attempted to kill myself over a year ago. Instead of keeping it all inside, I’m gonna put it all on here in hopes of not exploding.
On the early afternoon of April 27th 2013, I was sexually assaulted by someone I thought I was in love with. I invited him into my home because he made me believe he was in need of help and support and then had his way with me despite my protests. He then proceeded to leave and text me to say he had gotten back with his on again-off again girlfriend. When I confronted him about how he couldn’t treat human beings the way he did, exploiting their love for him so he doesn’t have to feel pain, he told me I should’ve known better than to let him come over when he was “in such a delirious state”. I then proceeded to write goodbyes to him and my friends, and lock myself in my room with a bunch of sleeping pills and the sharpest knife I could find in my kitchen. Luckily, and I truly thank my lucky stars for this, one of my friends called me and talked me down before I could do anything fatally harmful to myself. The next day I went to a friends house to have a girl talk day as if nothing had happened, wearing a long sleeve shirt to cover where I had cut my arms and wrists. People knew I was having depression issues, but I down played what I was feeling so people would leave me alone. It didn’t fully dawn on me that I had been raped until about five days later. I was watching Django Unchained and somehow something got me ticking and it all fell into place. I cried in the weirdest way I think I ever had, but in some microscopic way, figuring this out made me feel somewhat better. I called a mutual friend of mine and the guy and of course he told me that I was overreacting and shouldn’t do anything about what I was feeling because of the implications it held. So I didn’t do anything. I sat with my feelings eating away at me, all while this man was sitting near me in classes and attending the same extracurriculars as me. About 2 weeks later when I could no longer handle it I went to a friend who lead a group for women who have gone through things like I did. She helped me feel comfortable telling my counselor, my parents and my therapist and helped me move forward in my healing process. Although she and I have mostly fallen out of contact, she really is a big reason why I am still alive today and I will always love her for what she did for me.
Once I had reported my assault to my counselor,there came a series of decisions that I will never know if I made right or wrong. I was adamant about the fact that I didn’t want to press charges, and even kept who had assaulted me anonymous to my counsellor for most of the time she was helping me. Under the urging of my counsellor I spoke with my school’s male resource officer about what had happened and unsurprisingly he urged me not to press any official charges “due to the implications it had for the boy, and due to the fact that I was 18 and the boy was not when it happened and under California state law he could turn the story around and claim statutory rape”. Both my counsellor and I agreed that meeting with that officer was a bad decision. He seemed more concerned about eating all the grape jolly ranchers in my councillor’s office than what I was confiding in him. Once I finally decided to reveal who had done this to me, things finally started getting a little better. He had to go in for regular counseling, and at one point I even got a half assed apology from him.
The summer came, I graduated, I started taking xanax for my depression and anxiety due to ptsd, I started gaining back weight from the 15 pounds underweight I had become. College started, I met someone I really liked, the occasional texts I got from my assaulter about “wanting to be friends again” stopped coming. I, for the most part, had a truly amazing year.
The only problem was that my boyfriend had a major problem with me taking xanax. He’s a health nut and a staunch anti-pharmaceuticals-for-anything-other-than-anti-biotics-and-painkillers advocate. It caused a big strain in our relationship. He felt I should deal with my depression and other issues in a more natural way, which, for the most part, I agree with. And so I stopped taking them.
But then he moved to Korea to try to pay off his student loans. And then he decided that while he still wanted to be in a relationship with me, he wanted to be able to sleep with other women while he wasn’t in the country.
So here I am now. Trying to deal with my troubling feelings towards my relationship. I really really like this guy, and he is for the most part an amazing person. But this whole situation is mentally taxing for me. I have deeeeeply seeded trust issues. I need someone I can trust. I need someone who can be there for me and help me continue in my recovery. Someone I can rely on. The more I think, the more I worry I should end this relationship. I don’t think I can expect the things I expect from him, and honestly I dont think I can expect those things from anybody. But I am in the uncomfortable situation where I am a week away from a thousand dollar ticket to a month in Korea. This guy means the world to me, but when do you decide that the pleasure isn’t worth the pain? And in all of this one thought is especially prevalent “God damn I could use some xanax”
I’m not expecting anyone to read this, I just wanted to write this all out as a form of self therapy. So heres my never-ending confession
there needs to be a cooking show in which tv chefs go into student flats or houses and have to cook a full 3 course meal only using ingredients and equipment they can find in the kitchen
waking up cold: alright I need more blankies
waking up hot: covers thrown everywhere. sweat behind the kneecaps. 3 dead. the pillow is the sun. critical condition.
the worst fuckin thing is
“oh you sing? are you a good singer? SING SOMETHING FOR ME RIGHT NOW”
“do you draw? you do? DRAW ME”
“you write? MAKE ME A CHARACTER IN YOUR STORY”
“you act? CRY FOR ME RIGHT NOW”
“You speak that language?! Say something in it!”
“you murder? KILL ME RIGHT NOW”
The last one seems more doable
Things I DO NOT want:
- Another pretty face
- Just anyone to hold
- My love to go to waste
Things I DO want:
- Your beautiful soul
. på We Heart It.
As everyone ever has told you, long distance relationships are hard. There hasn’t been a single person who has made it through one, looked back, and said “WOW I’d love to do that again!”
The fact that long distance relationships are hard is a very well and widely known fact. But knowing those…